


Honestly Deceptive

by nakala



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confident Barry Allen, F/M, Iris Finds Out, Iris is a real journalist, POV Barry Allen, POV Iris West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-06-01 03:59:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6499945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakala/pseuds/nakala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on if Iris found out The Flash's identity and the confrontation that ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It'd been weeks since The Flash had attacked Eddie. Weeks since Eddie had mentioned Barry having a crush on her and Barry confirming her boyfriend's suspicions. At the time, neither event coincided or even held a modicum of relation. That was until some freak of the week had kidnapped her. Circumstantial. Wrong place at the wrong time, which wasn't uncommon in her world. She dated a cop, her best friend was CSI, and her father had been a cop her entire life.

Loathe as she was to admit it, she'd hoped The Flash would rescue her. The PD didn't have a winning record for rescuing victims from kidnappers.

He didn't disappoint. The noble vigilante turned thug, in her eyes, showed only a couple of hours after she'd been abducted.

The moment Iris saw the crimson streak break across her path tossing the arachnid-like metahuman away from her half cocooned form, she could have breathed a sigh of relief. She would have if the metahuman's gossamer web wasn't spun so snugly from her feet up to her bottom eyelids.

Instantly, she calmed. It wasn't something she could control. The masked vigilante had rescued her more times than she'd actually needed before he showed up this time that now it was second nature to feel anything except protected and safe in his presence.

She had to watch the two men battle it out for their lives as her very own was on the verge of escaping her. She'd only been wrapped in the silken trap for a few minutes, but the little bit of air she'd gulped down had started to strain her lungs. She could only release spurts of air at a time. This had sustained her for as long, but now, she needed oxygen not just an unload of carbon dioxide.

Her rescuer didn't know. He couldn't; he was too busy trying to avoid webs and poisoned saliva to notice Iris' eyelids slowly closing and her chest making its final fall.

Darkness possessed her and she was almost gone when she felt a brisk breeze and less than a nanosecond later, she was freed. On instinct, her lungs sucked in a throat clogging breath. All the while she coughed and fought to gather oxygen into her lungs, she could hear his voice calling her name. Through her murky consciousness, she heard his voice. Not the altered almost robotic voice he'd used on the rooftop of Jitters. It was familiar, but she couldn't place it. Her mind was too cloudy and her chest burned. But she was a journalist, so, she couldn't rest without knowing what about his voice she recognized.

Taking control of her breathing, Iris finally answered The Flash's pleas for her to open her eyes and when she did he was closer than he'd ever been. The sun gleaming through the windows illuminated everything unlike the lights brightening a night sky. Iris saw his lips, his teeth, the way his lips moved as he cried out in desperation for her to stay with him. Lips weren't just lips, teeth weren't just teeth. They were distinct markers of one's identity, but what she thought couldn't be true. He would have told her. He wouldn't have kept this from her. Not this. Yet, when her eyes trailed to his, the truth was revealed. His identity was unmistakable now. She'd know those blue-gray eyes sprinkled with green and brown accents anywhere. Yes, she knew those eyes. A sense of betrayal, frustration, and even pride swelled in her in that moment, but she was too encumbered to give it more thought. The woman was banged and bruised from head to toe. All she needed was a few potent meds and maybe some oxygen and then she could think better. She didn't have the energy or health to worry with Barry, The Flash, or their lies at the time.

"Iris, can you stand?"

She shook her head affirming the negative. Without further questioning, she'd felt herself lifted gently and the last thing she could focus on before everything blurred was the sadness in Barry's eyes.

Two days later, she had recovered enough to be released from the hospital. She'd wanted to leave after the one but her father refused to let her get away and brokered some kind of deal with her physician to keep her an extra day. She just wanted to get home to where things made sense.

Barry came to visit and he tried to be his normal self despite her knowledge of his feelings for her and Eddie's presence. Iris wasn't fooled. There was something behind his eyes that was more than unrequited love and jealousy. Had she gotten a moment alone with him, she might have inquired or even confronted him about his dual personality. As it were, the opportunity hadn't presented itself. It wasn't until a week after she'd left the hospital that she finally found her nerve and contacted her best friend and Central City's masked crusader.

Recovery was quick. Once she'd returned to the home she shared with Eddie, a day or so later she was back to her old self minus a few lingering sore spots. However, she'd kept herself held up in their bedroom. Eddie had thought it was trauma or residual injury; it was neither of those things. She was avoiding Barry. The Flash wouldn't seek her out. He hadn't popped up since he'd beat her boyfriend senseless. Barry would, though, just not at Eddie's. So, for days she had thought through everything she knew and what she should have known from the beginning. Iris didn't leave out anything, not even the fact that she should have known that her best friend had been in love with her for more than half his life.

During that time, some things became obnoxiously clear, she was quite absentminded when it came to anything regarding Barry, and that to be a better journalist, everything about everyone should be observed and noted. She would not fall victim to ignorance again. Then, when she'd ceased torturing herself over her shortcomings, she acknowledged that she needed to talk to Barry, and not just him but also the man he streaked around town as. She would have to deal with the lie between her and the man she'd grown up with before she could address the conflicting emotions she harbored for The Flash.

After what he'd done to Eddie, she'd thought her little crush on him was gone. It should have been, but it wasn't and every time she caught word of his heroics, the feelings she had for him deepened. He couldn't have purposely been the maniac that snatched a cop from her moving car. The Flash wasn't a criminal; yet, she couldn't reconcile what she'd witnessed with what she felt. Iris had to follow the evidence, which unfortunately, pointed to an irrational, dangerous, powerful person. Truth, she wasn't exactly fine with accusing him without having given him a chance to explain, but she believed that had she offered him that chance she, in some way, would have been betraying the man she loved. She'd had to push The Flash out of her life for more reasons than the one.

Barricaded in Eddie's apartment, she had known that the other reason was that things were becoming complicated between the two of them. The Flash wasn't shy with his intentions and she liked that about him. There wasn't any guesswork, not like when she was a senior in high school and she knew that the way she viewed Barry had begun to evolve. Much like currently, she hadn't been able to see that Barry saw her the way she'd wanted him to see her for so many years; so, she'd suppressed her feelings fearing the effects they would have on her small family. She wouldn't be the reason the three of them would lose each other. They'd already lost too much.

Over the years, Iris had gotten over Barry. They were best friends, and that was good enough for her. Sometimes it wasn't. Then she'd fallen for her dad's partner and she knew that Barry and her as friends was the right choice for them. It wasn't like she knew about his feelings for her. Then he had to go and get hurt and almost die. It didn't change anything, not really, Barry was still only going to be her friend and she couldn't forget about her loyal, loving boyfriend. So again, she forgot about the spark in her heart for Barry Allen.

She'd mulled over all this until she couldn't sleep, and when she noticed she hadn't eaten much either, Iris decided to return to work and have a meeting with the red streak. A week to the day he'd rescued her, Iris contacted The Flash – Barry – to meet her after her first shift at their usual spot.

The second before she turned the lock on the entrance, he blew into the coffee shop cleaning the tables for her and disappearing from her sight. Composed, Iris removed her apron and followed the path he'd taken to the roof.

There he stood so far from her, hidden in the shadows. She couldn't make out his face, but she didn't need to to know it was him. Now that she was actually paying attention, she could see him in his stance, the way he held himself even if more confident.

He took a step toward her but stopped before his right foot followed.

"Iris." Questions colored his disguised tone.

She rolled her eyes and took a few solid steps of her own halting several feet short of his personal space. She didn't want to spook him and have him speeding all over the roof to avoid the night lights.

"I needed to talk to you – to thank you for saving my life…again."

"Anytime. I said I would always be there. That hasn't changed."

She understood what he didn't say. Yet, hearing the false timbre coming from Barry's mouth caused her to cringe, but now wasn't the time to lose her cool and call him out. However, she did want to slap him. How could he stand there as if he wasn't keeping the biggest secret from her? A secret that brought everything into perspective.

"I want an explanation. I know I didn't listen – I need you to explain to me why you hurt Eddie." Iris closed her eyes to even her breathing. "I just – you can't be – just tell me why." Tears were seeping into her eyes, but Iris wouldn't cry. She was confused and hurt and angry, but she would not cry. She wasn't the weak helpless girl Barry and her dad thought she was.

His posture became more rigid, but aside from that, The Flash seemed as cool as Barry never was. "It's like I tried to tell you."

She had to be amused by the agitation woven into Barry's altered voice.

"I was affected by this metahuman he – his power tapped into something inside of me. It made me…angry. Uninhibited and progressively hostile. What happened with Eddie, I didn't have control. Anything and everything set me off. I didn't mean to do it. You have to believe me, Iris."

Though the soft spot for Barry's wellbeing over all else took a swift kick at his sincerity, giving in was not an option. She needed all the answers tonight. She would settle for nothing less. At that very second, she just wanted the truth. "Is that all it was, Barry?"

It wasn't the way she'd planned to break the news to him. No, it was much more clever, but her patience was paper thin and her emotions were everywhere.

"What?" He'd heard her. She knew because the hardness of his posture slacked and he popped up farther away from her.

"Stop running. I know."

"No, I'm not-"

"Don't lie to me." Iris said turning her head skyward before looking directly at the masked man out of her reach.

The tears she'd contained streamed down her face stirring her ire.

"How?" Barry croaked in his own voice.

Before The Flash could register her actions, Iris was less than a foot from him with the flashlight from her cell phone shining in his eyes.

"The day you saved me you forgot to change your voice. Forgot to hide in the shadows. When I looked into your eyes, I knew. I knew that you'd been lying to me this whole time. That…" It finally occurred to the journalist that Barry as The Flash had preyed on her feelings for Central City's hero. Used his mask to explore his feelings for her without facing the consequences.

"Iris please just hear me out."

"Oh, now you want to talk. What do you have to say that will change anything Barry?"

"I wanted to tell you."

"Sure."

"It's true, but Joe, everyone, they said it would be too risky. If you knew, it would put your life in danger."

"If you haven't noticed, I write a blog about you – bet you got a big ego boost from that – I'm in danger all the time. Just by being in this town, by dating a cop, by being around you and my dad. Barry, I've been in the middle of things that haven't had anything to do with my blog. You would know you've been there to rescue me."

"I know," he reached to touch her, but she snatched her arm away. "I'm sorry. I really am. I just thought I was doing what was best for you. I just want you to be safe."

"Don't I have a say in what's best for me? You and Dad think I'm some-some damsel in distress, but I'm not. I can handle myself. I don't need you protecting me from anything."

"Really?" He questioned. "Because I've been doing a lot of that as The Flash lately and I haven't heard you complain once."

"Oh my goodness, Barry, it's not my fault I had no idea it was you under the mask."

Her words sobered him. His indignation was anything but righteous. "No it wasn't and I'm sorry about that. I am. I thought I was doing the right thing." Barry mumbled.

In the silence, she observed him examining her. She didn't back down. They were having it out and she would not cower under his guilt. He deserved to see her tearful gaze. She deserved more than his cloaked features.

Striding forward, Iris deliberately breeched the invisible line that always existed between them. She was impossibly close to Barry trying to peek into his eyes. For an indiscernible amount of time, she watched him watch her. They'd ended up on opposite sides and she wasn't sure she was okay with that.

Without thinking, her hand neared his face. She noticed his eyes enlarge then return to normal before closing the second her fingertips traced the contours of his mask. Curiosity led her fingers over the bridge of his nose, around his eyes, and over the helix of his ear donning the Flash insignia. Both her hands framed his face as she slid the mask back over his head.

His eyes opened to see her staring up at him with a mixture of emotions burning behind her glistening stare. He wanted to say so many things but was terrified of making things worse than they already were. He couldn't believe the only woman he had ever truly loved probably hated him, and he had most likely lost her for good.

Iris stepped back away from Barry's pleading, fearful eyes and the slight charge of his proximity. This was how she should have started things. With him facing her, not his alter ego.

"Now can you be honest with me?"

Barry had dropped his head examining the concrete at his feet the instant Iris had backed away from him. However, at her question, he lifted his eyes to meet hers with brows twisted in confusion. "Huh?"

"You didn't mean to attack Eddie – I can believe that – but you also said that whatever this …anomaly had done to you brought out what was inside of you. Was-was it personal? The reason." As awkward as finding out about Barry's feelings was, this was more so and possibly the hardest conversation she'd ever had. Though she envied it, candor was too bold a choice for her.

If the expression on his face was any indication, the man standing a few steps away knew exactly what she was talking about.

"You're the journalist, figure it out."

Maybe it was pride or maybe it was embarrassment but Iris was inclined to think it was a mix of both and a whole lot of the suit igniting Barry's defiance.

She knew the answer. She'd put the pieces together those days hold up in Eddie's place. She just wanted to hear it from him. After such a display of testosterone that could have ended her boyfriend's life and definitely planted more than doubt in her heart about The Flash-him, he owed her the explanation she'd come for.

"Why can't you just say it?" She fumed.

There was a tirade to follow, but she found her words locked in her throat as she was backed into the wall with the crackling of static electricity tingling her skin. He surrounded her without touching her. It was suffocating feeling his energy dance along her spine and seeing the inception of anger and vestiges of hurt and rejection glaring at her through Barry's eyes.

"Would it change anything, Iris? You've known for a week and you didn't feel the need to seek me out. No, you hid behind the walls of your new home. What is this really about, huh?" His voice lowered almost eerily so. She didn't know how to answer this Barry. He was too in control and imposing.

"You harass me about my dishonesty; yet, you haven't been truthful from the start. This isn't about not knowing about me being The Flash and what happened to Eddie, not entirely. This has everything to do with the fact that I took him from you twice. This time for good because he's me and not some mysterious hero you have a crush on." He shifted backward but only a little. He wasn't done yet. "I could see it in your eyes, and yeah, I got a kick out of you finally looking at me the way I've wanted you to practically my whole life. It wasn't just some unspoken attraction; you gave into it. The flirting, open admiration. It was so obvious that you had a thing for The Flash even when you were clearly taken. You indulged him-me, but I pour my heart out to you – I wasn't looking for much I understood that you weren't free – but for me, you haven't said one word of acknowledgment or, I don't know, anything." Tears filled his eyes as he bared himself to the love of his life, once again.

Iris had been crying steadily through his speech. Her heart hurt and her mind was racing. What could she say to Barry after that? He was right. Not about everything but enough for her righteous indignation to dissipate and give rise to more worrisome feelings.

He pressed his thumbs into his watery eyes at a loss for words hoping that her silent state would dissolve and her journalistic nature would take over. But for longer than she wanted to, she just stood there lost.

"Look, Iris, I'm – if you have nothing to say…" He couldn't help but notice the symmetry of the situation. "I'm going to go."

At a human pace, he turned to walk away.

She couldn't let him go. Not like this.

"Barry."

He didn't turn around at her request. She waited for him to give in to her, to come to her, but he didn't. When she realized she'd thought he should have, she quickly cursed herself for her selfishness and ran to face him before he decided to super speed away.

Once she was looking up at his face, she didn't think she just reacted. She rose to the tips of her toes grabbing the back of his neck with both her hands guiding his lips to hers.

Surprised, Barry didn't initially engage her. She hoped he wasn't over her already. That she hadn't misjudged his feelings for her for the millionth time. She pressed her lips firmly to his stagnant, yet, pleasantly soft ones testing the waters and hoping. Seconds passed before she felt Barry's hands slide around her waist pulling her closer.

She'd started this, but she could feel him surrendering and seizing control. Their connection was frenzied and urgent. He held her tighter with each caress to her full lips. It was intoxicating and the young woman felt as if she was rapidly in danger of becoming inebriated the longer they were together, but she didn't stop. Instead, she slipped her tongue from her mouth to stroke his bottom lip. It wasn't a challenge, just curiosity, but he met it and upped the ante. His tongue pushed through her parted lips tasting of cool cucumber and refreshing mint. The moment his tongue touched hers, the chaotic passion disintegrated into sensual exploration and masterful deduction. Iris was floating in a sea of gentle electric currents, all warm and exciting. Time could have stood still and she wouldn't have noticed or minded. Eddie never made her feel like this.

Eddie.

Suddenly, she fell from her high and separated herself from her friend by many feet with her chest rising and falling with the labored breathing of one who'd been smothered.

Barry's breathing was normal. Unaffected. Calm.

Devastated, she opened her mouth to apologize.

He could see the remorse splattered across her beautiful face. The Flash would not give her a chance to escape what'd just transpired between them.

"Why did you do that?"

She looked up at him frantically startled. "I don't know." She didn't, not with surety. It was complicated, and there was Eddie. She needed to go. Being on the roof under the moon and the city lights sparkling in the distance was doing things to her mind and taunting her heart. Iris spun around to flee this torture but ran into a broad red chest.

"Was it for me or…you?"

She didn't have to ponder the answer, it was just there. "Me." She breathed glancing up at him.

Barry smirked that arresting smirk of his then straightened his lips and stood taller. Commanding. "Then that's all that matters for now." Then he was gone in a red streak of current and fluttering breeze.

Iris touched her mouth, relished in the memory, and left the rooftop.


	2. Chapter 2

Perfectly scalding water ran over his skin causing pleasant prickles along the way.  After a grueling night of chasing after a new meta-human wreaking havoc per the Central City super-villain handbook this time in the form of a burning building full of children, Barry just wanted to relax, which he knew he would be able to do once he was out of STAR labs.  Yet, he couldn’t find it in himself to speed through his shower. 

Since gaining his powers Barry hadn’t spent more than a few seconds in a shower. Why would he when he could be in and out in the blink of an eye? 

Exactly. 

Still, today he needed to abandon his constant sense of urgency.  There was never any time to truly think when he was in a rush.  And for once, The Flash welcomed this time to think. 

A necessity he hadn’t made any time for in so long.

When Iris moved back home from Eddie’s, Barry was still living with Joe, as awkward as that was.  She had ended her relationship with the cop a month after she’d kissed Barry on the rooftop.

Elation didn’t adequately describe how he felt at the time, but he didn’t read much into it.

Her return to their childhood home couldn’t erase the distance she’d built between them since that night at Jitters.  They’d barely seen or spoken to each other before she came back and nothing changed after.  When they were, by chance, in the same room, Iris would offer him a perfunctory smile that didn’t fully reach her eyes along with a limp wave, and he’d gift her with much of the same. 

Barry hated the sadness and confusion she failed to mask, but he wouldn’t say the same about their distance. 

The space between them was agreeable.  Had he been inclined to do so, it would have afforded him time to clear his mind of the thoughts that kept him awake most nights.  It was easier to avoid, deny, forget.  And it had worked until now. 

Until today, Barry had skillfully buried himself in extracurricular activities as The Flash, his job as CSI, training and moving into his new loft near the lab.  He hadn’t had the time to think about anything that he needed to.  When his mind did get away from him and wander into locked boxes of wants and desires, Barry couldn’t tamp down the anger and frustration he felt toward Iris that clouded his hope of one day having something more with her.  Maybe it was unfair to place all the blame on Iris.  He couldn’t in all honesty fault her for _his_ ineptitude and cowardice, but he did.  Mostly because he was incredibly upset with her for falling for his alter ego and Eddie.  She had noticed everyone except Barry and it angered him. 

It hurt him.  Left him feeling inadequate and questioning.

Wasn’t he good enough?

Just him.  Just Barry Allen. 

Then she’d kissed him.  The kiss in and of itself wasn’t the problem.  The problem was that she’d kissed him and he’d walked away.  Barry had let her go. 

These frustrations plagued him when he allowed them to. 

Other times, there were other concerns. 

Did he want his relationship with Iris to evolve?  Was she worth the risk of breaking up their family?  Joe approved and even championed him in his pursuit, but could he risk it?  Because, let’s face it, if things went south in a fit of flames losing his family was a huge possibility.

Barry shook his head under the downpour of the water to rid his mind of those troublesome worries. 

Iris was definitely worth the risk. 

No question really, but did he want to take the risk now that there was definitely, maybe a chance for them. 

None of that mattered much if at all because there was a silent rift between them that grew with each day and didn’t seem like it would shrink any time soon.  Which seemed to be working wonders for her safety.  

To his surprise, Barry hadn’t had to rescue Iris from any deranged super powered humans during the time they’d been separated. He believed that miracle had something to do with her being more cautious now that she knew whose life was on the line every time she needed rescuing.  She had also abstained from popping up at active crime scenes demanding quotes or nosing around.  Barry knew that must have taken some effort on her part what with her inquisitive nature.   He also wasn’t stupid enough to ignore that at least part of her staying away from live sites had to do with her avoidance of him.  He’d take it.  However, the most important factor he attributed to Iris’ newfound safety was that she had stripped her blog posts of their obsessive glorification of The Flash. 

Before their face to face on the rooftop of the coffee shop, he could read the admiration and fondness for his alter ego in every word and between each line.  He was sure her followers could too.  Reading her blog was like reading the words of a close friend of the superhero, if not closer.  This clearly drew most criminals to her to draw him out, while, other less ambitious villains became envious of his notoriety and sought their own glory at her expense. 

He’d gotten a glimpse of what it felt like to be on the receiving end of Iris’ affection and got a crazy rush reading her blogs filled with accolades, essentially about him. After the kiss, those words that sparked his heart and stroked his ego were replaced with simple recitation of the facts about his exploits and a detached element that – to him – spoke beyond her words. Despite the ache in his chest at the quiet rejection, Barry was grateful for her safety.  Besides, he couldn’t deny the twinge of vindication he felt because he had been correct about the blog and its correlation to her being number one on the villain capture list.

For that alone he had _helped_ her keep her distance.  Sure, on the roof he had intimated that he had intentions of eventually forcing Iris to answer for her actions.  Afterthought and time had their way with him, and he became that scared teenager staring at her from across the room wishing she would _see_ him, and frankly, he was tired of the dance they had inadvertently begun when he first started flirting with her as The Flash. 

A deeper part of him knew that he accepted her evasion because his heart would die ten thousand deaths if the woman he loved had realized she’d made a mistake.  And maybe so would their friendship.  What little remained. That very same part knew that he couldn’t go on pining for her while she carried on with her life.  He’d done that before and it had only gotten him a fractured heart and a whole lot of aggravation.

As angry as he was at himself, for reverting back to his old cowardly habits, Barry felt more comfortable protecting himself from definitive future hurt. That’s why he’d moved from Joe’s.  Calm indifference and hesitant avoidance could only persevere for so long. Seeing her as much as he did hurt.  Plain and simple.  He was not a masochist; he got too much abuse fighting crime to accept it from himself.  So for months, he dug in and focused his energies on work, dodging Iris and becoming the fastest person alive. 

At first it was hard not seeing Iris every day, not sharing smiles with her or catching up over a cup of coffee.  Prior to _the kiss_ they’d been best friends then they’d lost it just like that.  He even missed making those random appearances as The flash just to see her eyes brighten, and hear her tinkling laughter, always so subdued.  Or the way her hair would blow across her lovely face as he sped through.  He just wanted to swoosh in and steal glances of her.  A time or two - maybe more - he did, but the pain of seeing her always overshadowed any satisfaction he garnered from the glimpses he got of her. 

It was hard trying to stay away, but he managed with only a few – maybe more – slip ups and stalker like appearances.  With time, it didn’t hurt so much to see her.  He could zip in for dinner with her and Joe without it ripping his heart from his body.  He could spend a couple of hours at Jitters with his coffee and files of cases he had to wrap up for the chief.  He was managing and knew that eventually he would be capable of more than just managing. 

It was within those three months of personal growth that he started noticing small changes in Iris.  Immediately following their encounter on the roof, Iris wasn’t herself, there was a darkness shadowing her, but somewhere along the way it had begun to recede.  Her eyes regained their sparkle and her smile became more genuine, less forced.  It was never directed towards him specifically, as he hardly saw her, but on those occasions when he found himself at Jitters or their childhood home, and during his stalker-like slip ups, he noticed.  There were only these fleeting hurried moments because he _could_ not be around her.  Didn’t want to be around her.  Didn’t want to feel the emotions she stirred in him.  Barry couldn’t handle the eyes that never lingered and sought evasion. 

He had dreamed of the day his lips would taste Iris’, when he could pull her close, take her in. Reality was a million miles ahead of what his mind had conjured.  Yet, he didn’t know how to ignore the angry feelings that bubbled to the surface at her for kissing him and pretending like he hadn’t poured his heart out to her the first time around.  Maybe he was being unfair.  Or maybe he was justified.  Barry couldn’t be bothered either way because he was keeping away from her and there was nothing anyone could do to change his mind. 

Joe tried.  He’d seen the unnatural disconnect between his ward turned surrogate son and his only child and wanted to fix it.  He didn’t question the cause just knew they needed to get their crap together.  Joe had approached Barry because he knew how obstinate and defensive his daughter could be; he also knew she wasn’t doing well since she and Barry had drifted apart. 

Though Joe had made some valid points, Barry still refused to give in and seek out Iris.  Truthfully, he felt that he should let things die down.  If he didn’t, he knew an argument was eminent.  The next time he spoke with Iris he wanted to come to some kind of resolution and leave everything else behind.  No more limbo.  Barry needed time, but he couldn’t make Joe understand that without telling him too much.  He knew Iris hadn’t told her father that she had found out about his secret identity because there hadn’t been any of the resulting consequences.  So, he’d pulled a jerk move he wasn’t proud of and told Joe that Iris knew he was The Flash.  Joe was beyond angry at Barry, even though it was Iris’ journalism skills and not Barry’s recklessness that led to the reveal.  It made Barry a little upset that Joe was mad at him.  Joe’s disappointment had hit him hard and it hurt knowing that Joe doubted his ability to look after his little girl, the woman he loved.  Ultimately, though, Barry couldn’t allow himself to dwell on Joe’s anger because it arrested interference from him in their affairs and shut him up.  He stopped even bringing up Iris around Barry anymore, which Barry knew would change once Joe got over his anger and fear for his daughter.  In the meantime, Barry was glad to have Joe off his back.

Barry never got exhausted.  His condition didn’t allow for it, but that didn’t discount weariness.  He’d chosen not to super speed home this day because his mind had needed the break.  Needed to slow down. 

After a long night of super-heroing, Barry was taking his time soaking in the sun and experiencing the banality of everyday life – life before powers.  Today he needed that. 

There had been a burning building, apparently a monthly requirement for Central City but not just any building; it had to be a pediatric hospital.  Everything had gone as planned; he’d gotten all the children out safely or so he thought.  It wasn’t until he’d rescued the last child that one of the other children told him that her hospital roommate was missing from the group rescued with her.  The toddler was deaf and could have wondered anywhere in a fit of panic and The Flash didn’t have an entire day to find him.  With all his strength and speed he searched every nook, cranny, and corner of the building before he started to lose faith in himself.  The speedster began to fear his impending failure and freak out about losing a child to fire.

A tenth of a second the masked hero stopped everything: his mind, slowed his breathing, stood still.  He gathered himself and redoubled his efforts and focused every ounce of his energy on finding the little boy hidden away in a supply closet two doors down from his room, minutes from being engulfed by the fire blazing up the hall. 

Relief never felt so sweet or immediate than when he’d sat the crying child into the arms of his parents who’d rushed to the hospital the moment they found out about the emergency. 

Since acquiring his powers, Barry’s thoughts have moved as quickly as his feet.  He hasn’t taken the time to think unhurriedly, but after almost losing a child to something as common as a fire and not a metahuman he could take down with fists, Barry decided he didn’t have a choice. 

The new him had developed a different perspective than the average CSI Barry.  Made him more carefree, yet, incredibly reserved for entirely different reasons.  Now, now he saw how fragile life was, how fallible he really was.  Although cell regeneration and a nearly perfect immune system afforded him securities and longer life than most, it did not make him invulnerably immortal.  No.  He could die.  He felt the smoke in his lungs burning and singeing.  Felt the darkness encroaching upon his vision.  He could die.  Someday whether by the hands of fate, time or a stronger, smarter enemy, he would die and with startling surprise he realized he hadn’t taken advantage of life before and especially now.

For most of his life he’d spent it in the shadows afraid to shine and the rest he spent pining for Iris.  Once he became The Flash, he added training and testing to that list. It wasn’t a life at all really.  If he did lose his life, what would he have to show for it.  No great love.  No name for himself.  _Barry_ was not The Flash and vice versa.

He was unbelievably aware of how tired he was of not living his life the way he wanted to – outside of being The Flash, being a superhero was the best thing about his life.  That, however, wasn’t what he wanted.  He wanted love reciprocated, and real hobbies and happiness that weren’t dependent on if he’d saved the day or not. 

His ever hungry stomach started to growl angrily at him as he walked home from STAR labs after his shower.  He was taking a quick detour toward his favorite eatery when he thought about maybe starting to date.  He was paying for his order when he agreed that he had time to date.  Yes.  And he should.

He ate at the restaurant savoring the flavor of food since what felt like forever and thinking about his future, something he rarely did these days because if it didn’t directly involve him saving lives what was there for him to think about.

Barry ordered more food and finished it all before he felt full enough to say he wasn’t as hungry.  He was always hungry, the one downside of his jacked metabolism.  Leaving the restaurant, Barry resumed his leisurely pace to his home where he would mellow out and grab a snack and possibly return to STAR labs for a little practice, after some sleep. 

Upon opening his door, the first thing he noticed was that his alarm was unarmed.  With how unfocused he was when he left, he didn’t think twice about it, just armed it and locked the door behind him.  But when he turned around he found Iris sitting on his coffee table with her elbows resting on her knees and her eyes trained on her feet. 

He rolled his eyes blowing out an exhausted puff of air while placing his hands on his hips.  This was not what he wanted to deal with today.  All he wanted today was to enjoy the rest of what was left without getting into an argument or possibly having to fight an egomaniacal villain or fix a natural disaster.  Based on the concentration he noted in Iris’ furrowed brow whatever she planned was going to be a much heavier conversation than he wanted right now.

“How did you get in here?”

“Credit card.”  Her face read ‘obviously’ when she looked up at him.  Iris’ dad was a detective; she was essentially an investigative journalist.  She possessed more sleuthing skills than just a mean right hook. 

“The alarm?”  Barry hadn’t moved from his spot in front of the door.

Iris shrugged.  “I guessed.  I was right.”  Of course his best friend knew his passcode. 

He moved a few involuntary steps toward her.  “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you.”

Simple, straight to the point.  There was no mistaking her sincerity, the honesty in her eyes, but that didn’t affect Barry much.

“Which one?” He quipped raising his brow.

She wasn’t expecting this nor was she happy that Barry was being ornery and erecting walls between them when all she wanted to do was talk.  Here she was trying to fix things with them and possibly – she didn’t know what quite yet – but she knew he could be more receptive.

Iris hopped from her seat storming up to Barry only stopping when she was less than an arm’s length away from him.  The frustrated rise and fall of her chest and the sting of tears in her eyes fueled her growing annoyance.

“You don’t get it do you, Barry?  You are not two people.  It’s just you.”  She threw her hands out at her sides and edged closer to Barry softening her voice.

“Different sides of you, yes, but still you, Bear.”

“Funny you say that considering you never once looked at _me_ the way you looked at me in the suit.”

Iris rolled her eyes.  One hand found her hip while the other landed at her temple massaging away the tension.  “Maybe I did.  Maybe I would have if you were as forward outside the suit as you were inside it.”

“Oh please, Iris, you have never looked at me or even felt a morsel of what I feel for you.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel or what I’ve felt.”

“Why not?  You can’t seem to verbalize your own feelings.”

Barry was angrier than he should have been, but he was tired and the last time he and Iris had spoken he’d only scratched the surface of his frustrations with her.

Iris deflated turning away from Barry.  After a few beats of silence she faced him again holding back tears.  “I didn’t come here to argue with you; I just wanted to-”

“To what? Tell me you love me or that the kiss meant nothing?  Because honestly at this point you’ve got to give me something or leave me alone.”  He argued leaning back into his door, arms folded over his chest. 

“I – I came to see you because I missed you.  To – to talk.  I need to talk to you Barry – okay, you’re upset that I was attracted to your alter ego, so, what woman in Central City isn’t.  He’s a hero, but that was all that was.  Lois Lane infatuation with Superman.   But with you…with you it’s different.  Because you’re my best friend.  You have held that position in my life for forever; yet, there are times – have always been times to tell the truth – that all I could think about was you and hoping _you_ felt something outside of friendship for me.”

Barry shook his head as he blew past his childhood friend to stare out his window.  “Yet, when I reveal to you that your ‘hopes’ are _finally_ coming true you shut me down so fast even I get whiplash.”

“I was with Eddie.  I was in love with him.  We were talking about moving in together.  How was I supposed to react?”

With a thousand emotions burning in his eyes, Barry turned to face Iris.  “Consider it, Iris.  You were with Eddie but you entertained The Flash.  You reacted to him.”  The fire in his furnace was dimming giving way to cool disappointment. 

He shuffled around the room to sink into his couch.  He was more over this than he thought.  Barry didn’t want to hash out his differences with Iris.  Not on her time.  Not before he was ready.  And talking to her now, he knew he wasn’t ready, but it was happening and there wasn’t any way he could derail a resolute Iris. 

“Because he reacted to me.  Because I had zero chance with him.  There was no way he – you were going to tell me who you really were.  You were fun and exciting as The Flash.  But that’s all it was.  All it could have ever been.”

“And as myself I was, what?” Barry questioned as he glanced in her direction.

“You were nervous.  You were awkward.  You barely ever looked me in the eye, I never knew what was going on with you, especially after Eddie and I got together.  Before that you were just friendly – my best friend.  I had no idea Barry. Had I known…”

“Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite? Huh?  To expect something from me but for _whatever_ reason you didn’t do it yourself?”

“I didn’t want to break up our family.  I was scared.”

“And I wasn’t?”  Barry didn’t want to think about it.  Had he been more confident and less afraid, he wouldn’t have ever had to watch the woman he loved fall in love and move in with another man.  He couldn’t take on the blame.  If he thought on it long enough he would.  He would blame himself and he didn’t want to do that.  Barry didn’t think he deserved all of the blame. 

“Why did you kiss me?”

Her visit to Barry was not going the way she planned.  Iris had thought that maybe Barry would have wanted to talk things out; she expected him to be happy that she had figured out what she wanted.  And she did.  In this moment, she finally knew what she wanted and was trying to express that to Barry, but he was in such an antagonistic mood that he couldn’t hear her for arguing with her. 

“There isn’t a clean cut answer.  All I know is that I wanted to.”

“It’s not that simple.” He slid to the edge of the cushion. 

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, Iris, I just want this between us to be easier,” he breathed.

“That’s what I’m trying to do, Bear.”  She whined walking toward the couch.

Barry scooted back slumping into the sofa as Iris sat on the coffee table facing him with all of her everything begging him meet her eyes.

“I missed you.” 

He’d missed her too, but sometime while they were avoiding each other he had begun to be okay with missing her.  Sure, he’d had his stolen moments and surprisingly that had sufficed.  After this morning, those clandestine stalker moments weren’t going to happen anymore. He’d resolved himself to simplicity and moving on with his life.  He didn’t want hard or complicated, and Barry feared that anything with Iris would always be a challenge.  Being The Flash was stressful enough, he wasn’t sure that he needed that in any other area of his life. 

For much longer than Iris would have under any other circumstance, she kept her mouth closed waiting for something – anything – from Barry except his detached silence.  The reporter inside of her wanted to question him persistently, she wanted to harass him into speaking to her without the shutters.  She needed his honesty but he wasn’t giving it to her and the worst part was that she didn’t know how to get to the truth without making things worse.  She was in love with her best friend and wanted to console him and wipe the frown from his kissable lips and dry the tears pooling in his eyes.  Her heart ached for her dilemma; stuck in between doing what was right for her and being there for her friend; yet, Iris knew that she could do neither. 

This was her biggest fear come to life.  What she feared would happen after he didn’t stop evading her when she’d moved back in with him and her father.  She’d watched him withdraw from her even more.  Too long after what had happened between her and Barry on that magical rooftop and breaking Eddie’s heart, Iris noticed that Barry had abandoned her.  Left their childhood home and was out of her life completely. 

There wasn’t anyone to blame but herself.  Iris shouldn’t have waited so long after kissing Barry to get over her fears and face what she’d known all along.

She was too late.

With her head lowered and her eyes averted from the heartbreaking image of her former best friend, Iris rose from the coffee table and took two steps away from Barry before she stopped.  She stood in the silence counting time waiting for Barry to stop her from leaving, something she didn’t truly believe would happen. 

One tear escaped her control and she swiped at it clearing her throat as she walked to his door.  When her hand landed on the knob, she canted her head in Barry’s direction.  “Bye, Barry.  See you later?” she sniffed. 

Without looking up, Barry answered, “Yeah.”

Iris couldn’t get out of the apartment fast enough to escape his half-hearted response.

Barry slid down onto the couch lying on his back bringing his hands up scrubbing over his face before burying them in his hair and tugging roughly. 

He didn’t want to care about _her_ breaking heart.  Didn’t want to notice _her_ tear-filled eyes or the break in _her_ voice. 

But he did.

Barry couldn’t stand to see Iris cry, but he wouldn’t submit to the desire to run after her. 

He couldn’t.  So he didn’t.

Not now when _he_ was the one that wasn’t sure about what _he_ wanted.  He was furious with her and her audacity to think that he’d just come crawling the second she made up her mind.  It was a forgone conclusion this morning that he was done with Iris.  Maybe she wouldn’t be out of his life entirely, they shared Joe, but she had been placed in a box in the corner labeled ‘do not open.’

But he loved her and she was trying. 

Maybe she was too late.  Maybe he was tired of the back and forth between him and Iris.  Maybe he was terrified of actually getting the girl.

The night settled in heavily only lightened by a scrape of moon and a sprinkling of stars.  He stood with his shoulder propped on the windowsill gazing out over the city he protected.  That was who he was now.  A protector.  A hero.  His existence consisted of giving his life for people he didn’t know and didn’t need to know.  Being The Flash gave him purpose, but it didn’t hug him back as tightly as he’d started holding onto it.  He loved being a superhero, but he wanted more and Caitlyn and Cisco would agree that he needed more. 

But did he need more with Iris?

There was no denying that he still loved her.   The question that lingered in his mind was if he had made the right decision.  The moment Iris had practically ran out of his home he’d made up his mind and didn’t think there was anything that could change it.  

Taking a deep breath Barry released it at the same time that he rested his forehead against the windowpane that was cool to the touch, nothing like the thick warmth of the night outside.  He heard the door ease open but he didn’t move.  Barry refocused his eyes to see clearly the reflection she made in the window.

It’d been several hours since he’d seen her and it looked like she’d been crying all that time, even now with the dim light of the moon shining in her room he could see the sheen of tears coating her brown eyes.  Didn’t miss the shock jumping onto her face at seeing him in her room.  The fear from what Barry had come to tell her creeping into her eyes. 

Seasons could have changed and neither of them would have been the wiser.  Iris watched Barry’s back waiting.  She’d thought she’d said all there was to say and that it was now all in Barry’s hands whatever was about to happen now, but she couldn’t suppress her urge to hurry the inevitable along.  The buildup was only hurting her more. No one said she was a patient person.

“Bear?”

He turned around and any hope she wanted to have quieted at the expression in his eyes as he opened his mouth to break her heart.

Before she would listen to him he had to know.

“I love you. I should have said it before, been brave enough, but-”

In a blur, Barry was in front of her.  A squeak of surprise had barely made it from her throat when his lips descended on hers soft and desperate. 

Iris responded immediately giving into his tender kisses, his murmurs of ‘I love you’ between lips touching.  Barry’s idea was to keep things chaste; they were in Joe’s house.  He did not want to get caught making out with Joe’s daughter in her room, but Iris didn’t seem to care. She was almost frantic in her insistence.  Hands roaming over his chest, lips venturing to his neck, his earlobe.

The feel of her warm tongue and the painfully gentle tug on his earlobe pulled a deep throaty moan from within him.  Reflexively, Barry pulled Iris as close to him as he could and buried his left hand in her hair and directed her mouth to his.  He kissed her deeply before whispering in her ear, “Hold on tight.”

When Iris opened her eyes, she was in the middle of Barry’s bed on her back. 

Though winded from exhilaration, she smiled up at Barry with such unadulterated adoration that he couldn’t stop himself from grinning back like a goofy love-sick puppy. Once he got over himself he joined her, showering her with kisses. 

In more time than he’d taken for anything since his change, Barry absorbed Iris.  Her kisses, the cool breeze of her essence.  The feel of her skin against his.  He was jarred from his bliss when he felt the faint scrape of fingernails trail down his naked back. 

Instantly, he jerked back leaving himself kneeling between Iris’s legs.  He motioned for Iris to close her button-up top, but she raised a questioning eyebrow at him without reacting. 

Barry raised his shoulders and scrunched his face, which caused Iris to smile at him and that made him frown. 

“Iris, I think we should slow down.” He panted.

“Why?” she demanded kindly.

He didn’t say anything just stared at a spot above her head.

His eyes were drawn back to her lips when she said, “If you say something like that, Barry, you should have a reason. Any reason.  Even if it’s just because you want to.  Do you want to slow down?”

There was blatant seduction in her inquiry.  A knowing smirk playing on her lips. 

Barry didn’t want to rush things.  He didn’t.  He wasn’t that type of guy, but he also didn’t want to lie to her about this.  That could lead them down a different trajectory than this beautiful one they were on.  He didn’t want them to go back to tip-toeing around each other or not knowing what page the other was on. 

Barry shook his head looking down at his hands, “No,” he sighed. 

Iris had an inkling about Barry’s uncertainty; the reason was partly her fault after all. 

“I want **you**. Just you.  I’ve wanted you longer than you know and I want this.  Us.  So stop being a coward,” she signaled ‘come hither’ with a crook of her finger. 

“Pfft.  I’m not a coward.”  Barry mostly mumbled rolling his eyes.

“Then show me.”

He smirked and lowered to kiss her. 

Nothing about what happened next was a blur.  No.  it was painstakingly, gloriously slow and deliberate.  He took his time with the love of his life, learning her body and committing it to memory. 

Hours later well into dawn they lay entangled on the cusp of slumber when Iris shifted deeper into Barry’s side burying her face in the crux of his neck laying a gentle kiss on his speeding pulse.  Another kiss to the angle of his mandible and she had his attention. 

Humming on an exhale he angled his head toward her. 

“Did I say was sorry?”

“Hmm?” 

Iris rolled on top of him to gaze into his eyes.

“I didn’t say I was sorry.”

“For what?”

“Not facing this sooner.” She shrugged.

He chuckled.  Both of them could apologize for many things.

She smacked his shoulder.  “I’m serious.  We could have been doing this for ages.”

Barry guffawed and lifted up to kiss her chin. “Well we’re together now, right?”

“As if you really need to ask. But yes.  We are together now.”

“In that case, no one needs to apologize.  We were both idiots and we have _ages_ to make up for lost time.” He quantified tugging her into an enthusiastic kiss. 

“I love you.”  Iris giggled kissing him soundly.  And because she was so giddy and high on love she couldn’t help but shout, “I love you!”  just a little bit. 

To which, Barry smiled widely and said, “I love you too, Iris,” before flipping her over onto her back. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. I hope you liked it. Barry's POV was a little morose but that's the way it wrote itself.   
> Please leave a comment. I'd really like to know what you thought about my first WestAllen fic.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!!


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